Hosted this week by Heather at Titus 2 Woman.
Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her.
Four years ago, the Lord was speaking to me, and at that point I had decided to listen.
Like, Heather, I also had problems with being competitive, striving to be able to do ALL things equal to, or better than the person who COULD do them. I also had a hard time trying to be like 'everyone else'. In my mind, and heart, there was ALWAYS someone better than me, and it didn't matter what it entailed. I had no knowledge of who I was in Christ.
When I was 16 I was desperately trying to discover who I was. In my seeking, I decided to become pregnant. My son was born 6 months and 1 day later. My God watched over him day and night until he was ready to come home from the hospital 4 1/2 months later. Perfect as can be. However, even with becoming a mother of a premature son, I was no where closer to understanding who I was in Him. I was a HORRIBLE mother. I still lived with my parents, which gave me the ability to leave my son with them and go run off and do other things. I partied, I drank, I probably could have become an alcoholic, but praise God it didn't go that far. The one thing I did DO during that time which I believe was actually a good thing was graduating with my class. I was more determined than EVER to graduate high school, with my graduating class, and NOT become that statistic of a single-teenage-mother dropout.
I got a job, I worked full-time, I tried to become a better person. A better daughter, mother, friend....but nothing was working. I just lived 'through' life. I was still an awful parent. I moved out of my parents house and my son stayed with them. I look back now and can see where the Lord tried to get my attention, tried to help me with what I so desperately needed. But I denied Him.
It wasn't until I could no longer deny the fact that He 'was' there, and wanted to help me. My family had had a house fire about two weeks before, which just so happened to be in the basement, which was my bedroom. And as I left work early that day, as it was not very busy, I ended up in a car accident on the interstate. I had kind of side-rear ended a dump truck. I had been going 60mph, and the truck had only been going about 5 or 10mph as he was entering the interstate. I hadn't been paying attention, and at the last moment was able to swerve, but ended up popping the dump trucks' duel tires. At that moment, I actually felt arms around my body 'holding' me to the seat. As my vehicle came to a stop I realized I could have rolled down a hill, which thankfully, I did not. The poor man in the dump truck was numb to the fact that the person who had just hit him, was dead. He could not even come see if I was okay. He knew. He had been on the phone with his supervisor I later discovered saying a person hit him and there was no way that they were alive. At this point, I'm finding my cell phone in the rubble of glass on the floor boards of my car, and hit the numbers 3-3, and think no, 9-1-1. I finally get a hold of someone and tell them I'm fine, I don't need an ambulance. They send a cop AND an ambulance. After I had gotten off the phone with them, I realized my door was so smashed that I couldn't open it with the door handle. I had so much adrenaline rushing through my body I somehow managed to kick the door off of the actual car with my leg. Which is still amazing to me this day because there was NO room to even move. A man, in a blue truck, had stopped and asked if I was okay. The look of surprise on his face was weird, I'm pretty sure he thought I was a goner too. He asked if he could help me out of the car, and I told him that I was fine, but thanks. As I stepped onto the ground, my legs immediately felt like Gumby and gave out from underneath me. Thankfully the man grabbed me and stopped me from falling flat on my face. I never did get his name, but I have prayed for that man every day after that. I did end up calling my dad and letting him know what happened, and he showed up after the ambulance got there. I told the ambulance I did not need their medical attention, and they told my dad I needed to go to the hospital. Which is where I sat for the next 4 hours of hearing 'Does that hurt?' 'What about that?', as I was poked, prodded and annoyed. And I had 5 doctors tell me there is no way I should still be alive. Didn't find much comfort in that at the time, but hey. When I was finally discharged and riding with my dad on the way home, I started crying and blubbering like a 2 year old. 'I have no bedroom, and I have no car.'
That night, I went to Barnes Nobles and bought a bible I still use to this day. I gave my heart to the Lord that night and asked that He would forgive me of everything I had done. But most of all, I praise His Holy name that He loved me THAT much! To see me through that accident, to see me through everything that had happened in my life.
Which brings me to exactly four years ago. I had met a guy, in one of the most unlikely places. A bar. It just so happened he was in the Army and was in town for a conference with the bomb squad. And he was a Christian! We talked the entire night until he had to leave the next morning to go back to California. (Me in South Dakota) We talked for the next 3 months, day in and day out, sometimes ALL day and ALL night. In May, he asked me to go to an Army Ball with him in Florida. I went, to the surprise of myself and everyone else who knew me and had the most surreal time. At that point, I knew I would marry him. 4 months later, he asked me to move with him to Utah, we had only known each other 7 months! How crazy was this?!?!?! But, despite what everyone was thinking around me, I agreed. That was the first step in my life towards becoming and understanding who I am in Christ. I have lived here 4 years, in the absolute desert. And in this time, I have NEVER 'needed' anything. Wanted, sure. But our needs have ALWAYS been provided by Him. Have we had hard times? Yes, we have. But we have also grown so much closer in the time that we have known each other. I have become a better mother, and also welcomed our daughter into this world 3 years ago. I make mistakes, yes. I know I do, but I am His daughter! And He loves me with all that He is! And I grow and learn each and every day. But most importantly, I finally know who I am. And I don't honestly care what people think, that I don't act like them, that I don't fit in to society's way of thinking and doing. I am ME! I am the daughter of the Most High, who created me, to be ME!
I pray that today, you will find something you TRULY like about yourself, and thank God for that! And may He continue to bless each and every one of you, in Him.